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Saturday, October 27, 2007

Purple Dreamer

A few million years ago, dinosaurs roamed the earth. After a while, birds and some pterodactyls flew about in the sky. Then somehow the dinosaurs and the pterodactyls died out, but the avians survived on fish. The fish became creatures who fed on milk, but couldn't fly. The birds wanted milk, and couldn't get any, so they took to swearing at the cows. Some of the abused took to the trees, in an attempt to intimidate the birds, but they (the birds, that is, and not the yay-I-can-climb-a-tree types) merely took to the skies and pooped on them. The tree-dwellers immediately (give or take a million years) evolved into the Wright brothers, and thumbed their noses at the foul-mouthed fowls. This just goes onto show you that in the vast and important scheme of things, time is irrelevant. Angel-Doc, remember tagging me? Although this post has nothing to do with it, let me emphasise that any resemblance to the meme is purely coincidental. As would have been obvious by now, it's all about how I'm slowly going off my rocker.

I baptise:
1. Tys on Ice
2. Spunky Monkey
3. Ziah
4. The Monk
5. Bullshee
6. Tangled :)
These worthy souls shall carry on the torch of enlightenment. Please don't set fire to the furniture, and keep an extinguisher handy.

People I'd like to execute:
1. My way or the highway:
Commands like 'You should do Gynaecology for your PG', or 'You should not wear high heels.'
The last I checked, this was a free country. I'll walk on stilts if I choose to. If my back hurts later, dammit, it's my back.

2. Insufferable know-it-alls:
I have an aversion to individuals who try to teach me hitherto unknown medical facts. I will not die if I eat curd and fish together. And hanging my cell phone round my neck will not give me a heart attack. There is a very good chance that I might die from a temporal glioma, but not a heart attack. Really. And the sex education perverts who get their kicks from expounding upon 'the union of the male and the female is achieved by the...'? Finish that sentence, and you'll be missing vital parts of your anatomy.

3. You're only a girl:
I understand that men have different qualities, and that women are far superior, so what hell do you mean when you say 'women' with as much venom as you can muster? If you are so contemptuous of what you perceive as feminine weakness, let's see you bleed for a week every month. And thanks to modern technology, now you can become pregnant too. Good luck with getting rid of the placenta.

4. Religious fanatics:
There are all kinds of people out there, and twice that many Gods. Those getting totally obsessed about God or religion have my contempt. I know this girl who is so orthodox she's never been inside any place of worship other than her own, because her Big Guy won't like it.
And the heathen. Don't get me started on that.

5. Bimbos:
Anyone whose head is more for ornament than for its circuitry. I'm not very tolerant of stupidity, even when the packaging is pretty.

6. Hypocrites:
I believe the followers of some faiths do not visit doctors when they are ill. There was one such person in my (please not the point) medical entrance coaching class. She had an acute asthmatic attack one night, and the warden of her hostel called an ambulance. She refused to get into the ambulance saying Satan gave her asthma and that it would go away if she prayed. Why on earth did she want to become a doctor? She didn't get through the entrance, if you were wondering.

7. Arrogant snobs:
'I can't sleep without an AC' types. I can arrange for it to be converted to DC, Your Lowness.

People I'd award the AP Nobel to:
1. Surgeons:
I have a rather complex relationship with surgery. I don't like the subject much, but I surgeons rarely fail to amaze me. All that confidence. 'Bleeder! Cautery.' Just how do they manage to stay on their feet for hours? How do they know one structure from another? How can they do it with such precision? How can they be unaffected by the things they see? How much control does that take? No wonder they think they are Gods. I do, too.

2. Param Vir Chakra:
Ordinary people with the courage to face the daily grind. Or if you prefer corny flakes, the unsung soldiers in the battle of life. I find it easier to deal with big emergencies than the little ups and downs. Q. E. D.

3. Well rounded brainiacs:
No, no. no. That's not what I mean.
I'm talking about people like my friend Scar. He is brilliant, well-read, athletic, and to top it all, he is a nice guy. And I've never found him with his nose buried in a textbook. The latest gossip, or the newest medical breakthrough, I hear it from him. I hope he gets the real Nobel someday. He sure deserves it.

4. Artists :
Whether it's a paintbrush or a scalpel, an artist is an artist.
Was it Mark Twain who said, "If it falls your lot to sweep streets, sweep them like Michelangelo painted pictures, like Shakespeare wrote poetry, like Beethoven composed music." Somehow I can't imagine Mark Twain saying that.

5. B, 65:
I knew him only as B, 65 years. He was a patient in one of the Medicine wards. He had aplastic anaemia, and needed frequent blood transfusions, and that meant regular blood tests. He was the first person I ever drew blood from, and he liked us students. One of the first things we did in the morning was to go talk to him. He used to tell us to work hard, care for our patients, and would never crib about us pricking him for blood everyday. He never complained about his illness, no 'why me'. He always had a smile for me, even on a bad day. He never yelled at us, unlike many of the patients. He had the bed at the end of the ward for the 3 months I was posted in Medicine, and we used to go back and visit him even after our posting ended. One day, he wasn't there, and I heard he'd been shifted to the ICU. He died 2 days later.

6. Smilers:
People with a wonderful sense of humour. I can't find a better example for this than my mom. I was 11, and with the idiots on the Municipal Council blocking the major drains in our area, our house flooded with water during the rains. It was cold, we were knee deep in water, most of our things were on the road on ruin, and the stench was awful. We decided to go away for a couple of days, and were packing everything that could be salvaged. Suddenly, Amma laughed and showed me my foam slippers floating around in the water. It was funny seeing it getting stuck on bits of furniture. I've never met many women her age who is amused by the little absurdities in life. Most of them are very grim and prim.

Having successfully established myself as the epitome of frivolity, here's my Postal Joke. It's an old one, and one of my favourites.
Q: For every 90 sins you commit, you get caught 45 times. Wonder why?
.
.
.
.
.
A: Because sin 900 = cot 450.

P.S: As of today, I have an official fans association at college. What else can I ask for?

29 comments:

silverine said...

Spunky!!! Thats what this tag reveals about you. Me likes it very much :D

tangled said...

Such a charming post! I lowes. Also agrees with many of the points.

Surely you mean caught 45 times?

Why wasn't I tagged? Just because I'm not a bosom buddy of yours in real life...
:(

Amey said...

Oh boy, now that's the version of "World's History" should be taught in the classes. Will surely outsell every other version ;)

As an aside, how do you convert AC to DC?

Thinking aloud said...

That was just way too good...i like your aviation theory ;)

Prats said...

With history being written like this, i'm sure my kids would have never whined about education. Enjoyed the way you write...

hope and love said...

fantastic..!! i loved your approach to the tag.
hmmm.. txs for doing it i now feel that i would love to get to know you bettr.
:))

hope and love said...

ps.
u R adorable..!!
:))

emmanuel said...

nice read.... :)

tangled said...

Both the errors!! YAY!

Spunky Monkey said...

Yes, I shall carry the torch of enlightenment. Most pleased I shall be.
The error still shows, AP. Caught 45 times no, like Tangled said?
Correct me if I am wrong; you don't know any of the people you tagged personally, do you? You may know they are shit scared of lizards, but you don't know where they have a scar or something no?
(Wait, you might just know that one too. Dang)

Tys on Ice said...

ok woman, step out and lets have this out...whts with putting me in the spot? just pray that i dont fall flat on my face while running with ur flame ( shit, tht didnt come out rite)

:) great reading ap..funny, kinda totally know wht u mean..

Ziah said...

Hey AP!! You're in complete haloween mood babes... you tricked me by saying you'll treat me and the treat ends and begins with a tag!! hehe :)

Okay, so it be. I accept. Just, I've no clue how to do this thing. Please enlighten?? :)

Chriz said...

hehehe.. i loved this blog.. mayn this is amazingly cool.. thaaaliyaaaa. keep writing.. i'd hop down regularly.. so do update regularly too..

Sreejith said...

incredibly well done but then why so much hate...7 in the haters list and 6 in the admirers :(

mathew said...

hahaha..nicely written..
btw sin90=cot45 i bow before thee!!!;-P

Adorable Pancreas said...

@silverine:
Yeah, kya kare? Me is a kidilam, control nahi hota. :P

@tangled:
Thunkoo.
No, no, no. That's trigonometry. sin(e) 90 degrees is cot(angent) 45 degrees. It's the only part of maths I loved.
My bosom buddy in real life doesn't blog, you know. :(

@amey:
It's the true version. Darwin lied. :P
AboutAC to DC, um, induction, coil, transformer. Somewhere along those lines. I think.

@thinking aloud:
Thangsh. :)

@prats:
I do geography too. :P
Thankyu. :)

@hope and love:
Thanks, docji. :)
I am, aren't I? Evryone says so. :P

@emmanuel:
Dankyu.

@tangled again:
Yay! indeed.

@spunky monkey:
Thank you, worthy succesor.
No, it's trigonometry. Why has everyone forgotten school? :(
I even know how they got the scar. I'm omnipotent, tha's all. And you shall find a lizard in your lunch tomorrow. Skip lunch.

@tys on ice:
Yeah, go ahead, tys. Thankye.

@ziah:
You are an enlightened soul, ziah. Seek and ye shall find. The sword of destiny. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

@chriz:
Thunkoo, thunkoo.

@sreejith:
I'm Rat, remember?

@mathew:
Dunkyoo. :P

tangled said...

Child! I meant this:

Q: For every 90 sins you commit, you get caught 90 times. Wonder why?
.
.
.
A: Because sin 90° = cot 45°


IT SHOULD BE "CAUGHT 45 TIMES"!!
That's all.
As though I don't know trigonometry. I'll have you know I scored a full 800 on my GRE math, thank you very much.

Adorable Pancreas said...

@tangled:
Whoa! Now I feel like a complete idiot.
It should be caught, but this is an Internet English joke. Not that the abomination is a real language, of course.
How come all the people I know who have taken the GRE got an 800 in math? No one scores a perfect 300 on the USMLE. No fair. :(

tangled said...

Aargh.
You aren't reading what I'm writing!! The problem is not "cot" instead of "caught"; the problem is "caught 90" instead of "caught 45"!! THE NUMBERS!!! THE NUMBERS ARE WRONG!!!
Read all my comments again.
Very slowly.

:'( I think I'm having aneurysms.

delete this comment later, if you like.

Adorable Pancreas said...

I have the brains of a llama born 5 months too early. I am also blind, and partially deaf.

Sreejith said...

rofl @ tangled

tangled said...

Whew.

It got her to fix it, yo. :D

Amey said...

But where does air get cooled in the transformer, coils and all? I had a feeling the air gets hot in there.

Oh, gotcha... :D

As for the Darwin, the guy was not all he is trumped up to be, is he?

adsmad said...

hey nice theme
wts it called?

surely we need some referndum on this
maybe we can REALLY change it and honour the REAL HEROS for once

Gazal said...

"if it falls your lot"
am not sure mark twain really wrote that...
chk www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Mark_Twain/

loved the post...
kudos

Adorable Pancreas said...

@sreejith:
yes, yes. Laugh. X-(

@tangled:
It reads 'hastily written and sloppily edited' for a reason. :(

@amey:
He just went sailing around the world for 'bird' watching.

@adsmad:
The Hobbit, or some such.
Errr... What?

@gazal:
Thank ye. :)

Amey said...

And didn't even get any decent birds.

Nishant Chandgotia said...

Brilliant ..especially the last one(sin 90...)

Anonymous said...

"If my back hurts later, dammit, it's my back."

:D.